Thursday, June 24, 2010
The week of hell is upon me
So this past week has basically been the week of hell. We all have them, there is no avoiding it. Make a list of every single possible thing that can go wrong, and be amazed as they all happen, in addition to several other things that you couldn't have thought up if you tried.
Sometimes being overwhelmed can be a good lesson, it teaches me what I need to change about myself to avoid having similar issues in the future. At least in theory it should work this way, but it seems that over the past year there have been several times that I've stressed myself out to near break-down levels. Right now I need to look at my ability to handle things, because I have the option of accepting or resisting them and allowing myself to crack under the pressure. Most of the time I can resist and ignore things if they are small enough, but I think attempting to do that now would do more harm than good.
Are the problems that affect my peace of mind really that big? I don't know. I think some of my complaints are valid, while others are exaggerated. But the thing is, when you are in the middle of it, that makes no difference. You can tell yourself "it doesn't matter" over and over again, but if you feel that it does matter, then it pretty much does.
I used to have the attitude that "everything happens for a reason". I now think this is bullshit that people use to try to comfort themselves. I do believe we can CREATE a reason, find meaning in what occurs. But is there an inherent meaning in it? Am I really going through a painful experience because there is an inherent message in it that I am just destined to learn? Is there some omnipotent being that has decided I will have such and such an experience at such and such a time? I doubt it.
It's healthy to look for meaning in chaos. But I'm tired of deluding myself into thinking that everything has some wonderful lesson to be learned from it. Some things just suck, but happen anyways. Learning to accept things is an essential skill to develop. The reason something happens is irrelevant, it's what we do with it that matters. Was so and so's behaviour towards me unjustified? Irrelevant, if I can accept it either way. This is the attitude that I seek to develop.