Thursday, April 22, 2010

Ramblings of a confused little man (that would be me)

Another day of not knowing what the hell to do with myself.  It's almost as if I'm bipolar, one moment I can be super excited about something, then give it up the next.  My mind seems to always want to latch on to an idea, a plan, a goal, in order to feel grounded.  When once the goal doesn't work out, it moves on to something else. Sometimes this can be within months, sometimes within minutes.  Depends on the mood, I suppose

An interesting discussion came up this morning.  I started to see a therapist a few months ago due to anxiety issues.  Anyways, we've been discussing my interest in health and how I continue to read and learn about it, to the point of obsession, yet often fail to even apply any of it.  The point is, apparently my attempt to improve my lifestyle is not so much about health, but more about having an obsession to distract myself with.  

Herein lies the confusion.  If this is the case, then why even bother?  What the hell am I doing?  Maybe I create all these food issues just to have a distraction.  Maybe the point isn't that I need to cut out sugar because of cravings, maybe I need to learn how to calm my mind the fuck down so it doesn't need to obsess about one thing or another.  It's a frustrating idea because it makes me feel that everything I try to do is pointless.  

So, is this just an obsession of mine or am I genuinely concerned about my health?  I don't know.  I love reading, learning, and (trying) to apply.  I love having goals to stay focused on.  But maybe I have some idea about achieving a certain level of health because I don't want to deal with myself.  It can be easier to look into the future at some ideal rather than deal with reality.

But feeling good doesn't seem to be enough.  I can't reach a certain point and then move on to other goals.  It becomes a search for perfection that doesn't really end up satisfying me in the end.  But this ends up with me giving up certain things which actually DID benefit me and make me feel better, because they get mixed in with all the other changes that were really not needed.

When I think about it I think the problem seems to be me.  I think if I ate what I wanted, stopped reading everything health related, and just focused on other areas of my life, I may be better off for it.  Take care of my mental health instead.

Maybe the one big lesson I needed to learn from all this was to EAT ENOUGH FOOD.   Instead of skipping breakfast, and eating a tiny lunch, then being starving by the evening time.  Learning to eat good meals until I'm satisfied.  If it has sugar?  So what.  If it has wheat?  So what.  None of my food problems happened until I started worrying about how much I ate in high school.  That's when I got the sugar cravings, the overeating, obsessions, etc.

That could be an experiment to try.  Stop reading all blogs, books, and health information for a month.  Eat what I want, eat enough, and get on with life.

Who knows...

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